Christmas presents, More Historical Fun
Yes, Virginia, there is a Ninjas Against Bad Things
December 24
Dear Ninjas Against Bad Things Chairman—
I am 22 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no such thing as Ninjas Against Bad Things. Papa says, “The only real Facebook groups are those that make a profound and meaningful statement in all caps,” like his favorite, “IF THIS GROUP GETS 100,000,000 MEMBERS IT WILL TOTALLY BE LIKE REALLY BIG AND STUFF” Please tell me the truth, is there a Ninjas Against Bad Things?
—Virginia O’NotFakeLetterWriter
Virginia, your little friends are wrong and are probably communists to boot. Ninjas Against Bad Things ( link: http://usc.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2204471605 ) is alive and kicking/ninja-chopping. In fact, today we have a special holiday-themed edition of the Ninjas Against Bad Things Weekly Update of the Month.™®©
I claim no formal religious training, having been raised by wolves in Beverly Hills (they were snooty, rich wolves.) However, having spent countless hours absorbing pop culture in front of the television (which I like to call the “TV” — feel free to use the nickname if you want, just make sure to give proper credit), I feel like I have enough of a background to declare that The Ninjas Against Bad Things Super Evil Arch-Nemesis Bad Thing of the Week (NABTSEANBTOTW for short) is: Christmas presents.
(Yeah, yeah, “presents” is plural. Whatever.)
The horror wrought by Christmas presents spans all the way back to prehistoric times, when the world was hand drawn by underpaid animators. Some pasty-looking princess, whose name currently escapes me, was given an apple in her Christmas stocking by her wicked stepmother, allegedly upset over the political scandal that would erupt if it were revealed that her royal stepdaughter had been living in a hovel with seven filthy miners who had adjectives instead of names (except for the sole educated miner who had received his doctorate, though probably from DeVry or the University of Phoenix). As recalled in the 1937 documentary “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”, the apple contained roofies (Forget-Me-Nows, if you speak Arrested Development), which allowed some shady prince to waltz up and kiss the unconscious total stranger, possibly with tongue. (Fun Trivia: this scene inspired the hit spin-off series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!) The historical record unfortunately ends there, as someone taped over the last 10 minutes of my copy with part of an SNL rerun, though in the interests of full disclosure there was one good sketch featuring Toonces the Driving Cat. Digressions aside (especially the pointless one inside these parentheses), this laced apple set the precedent that Christmas presents are Bad Things.
The next recorded instance of Christmas presents occurred during the “transition” years, in which calendar makers decided that instead of buying the extra font set containing the minus symbol (Courier New, which contained other useful symbols missing from Courier Old, like spaces), they would arbitrarily begin counting up again after the year 0. To avoid confusion, they began tacking on “A.D” at the end, which stood for “After Running Out of Numbers” Anyway, Nat King Cole, King Kong, and Jackie Chan (collectively known as the “Three Kings of Orient”, even though only the latter was Asian, and only the former two were kings), were hanging around Chan’s basement playing foosball when they heard on C-SPAN that Jesus had decided to be born. They immediately ventured forth and used their Macy’s gift cards to buy some presents for the baby: gold, Frankenstein, and myrrh (pronounced like *mer*maid due to the similarity in taste), unaware of the great irony posed by buying lavishly expensive gifts for someone who would later preach against the evils of materialism— not to mention the fact that Frankenstein is potentially hazardous to infants. To add insult to injury, their protegé, the Little Drummer Boy (Drummy B.), who had blown all of his allowance on Bazooka Joes and had none left to buy a present, thought it would be a positively swell idea to give the gift of Ear-Piercing Racket and surprise the sleeping baby Jesus by banging incessantly on some drum he stole from the middle school band room (Bethlehem Middle School, BMS. Go Romans!) It’s a good thing for him that Jesus was into forgiveness; I would’ve throttled the noisy drum-wielding brat when I got older.
Then, on Christmas Day during the sweltering summer of 1914, a young Lee Harvey Oswald received World Peace from Santa, but used the gift receipt to return it in exchange for an Official Red Rider Carbine Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. He then accidentally shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s eye out, thereby igniting World War I.
Under this light, it is not difficult to see why Christmas presents deserve their rightful place in infamy. This has nothing to do with the fact that it’s 7:30 am on December 24th and I still have yet to finish (read: start) my Christmas shopping. Two years ago I unilaterally declared it to be a “7-11 Christmas” and bought everyone corn dogs, slurpees, and taquitos, which come pre-wrapped in festive 7-11 baggies. My relatives gave me a good long talk about “ruining the spirit of Christmas” and something about “blah blah blah, are you even paying attention, blah blah blah” but seemed most concerned about food poisoning due to “dangerously-aged fast food products containing meat”, though I imagine they were just jealous that *they* didn’t get all *their* Christmas shopping done three weeks early.
To those Ninjas who celebrate Christmas: as Ninjas Against Bad Things, protectors of all things Not Bad, please ensure to perform your Ninjaly duty Christmas morning by viciously unwrapping the living hell out of any and all Christmas presents addressed to you. If you are seated next to a small child, please tear open your presents first before providing assistance.
To those Ninjas who do not celebrate Christmas: consider yourselves lucky. Unfortunately, if you happen to be one of the many people who have a birthday, you may yet have birthday presents to deal with, which are also Bad Things, unless, I suppose, you get something really sweet like a jetpack, or a breadmaker.
This has been the Ninjas Against Bad Things Weekly Update of the Whenever the Hell I Feel Like It.™®© Have a happy Non-Denominational Generic Winter Holiday Season!
-Aaron
P.S.: Please do not share this rant with the pope. My apartment has already been red-tagged by the Los Angeles Metropolitan Housing Board for writing dumb posts within the premises, and I think I’m required to move out if he seconds the condemnation.
I am 22 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no such thing as Ninjas Against Bad Things. Papa says, “The only real Facebook groups are those that make a profound and meaningful statement in all caps,” like his favorite, “IF THIS GROUP GETS 100,000,000 MEMBERS IT WILL TOTALLY BE LIKE REALLY BIG AND STUFF” Please tell me the truth, is there a Ninjas Against Bad Things?
—Virginia O’NotFakeLetterWriter
Virginia, your little friends are wrong and are probably communists to boot. Ninjas Against Bad Things ( link: http://usc.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2204471605 ) is alive and kicking/ninja-chopping. In fact, today we have a special holiday-themed edition of the Ninjas Against Bad Things Weekly Update of the Month.™®©
I claim no formal religious training, having been raised by wolves in Beverly Hills (they were snooty, rich wolves.) However, having spent countless hours absorbing pop culture in front of the television (which I like to call the “TV” — feel free to use the nickname if you want, just make sure to give proper credit), I feel like I have enough of a background to declare that The Ninjas Against Bad Things Super Evil Arch-Nemesis Bad Thing of the Week (NABTSEANBTOTW for short) is: Christmas presents.
(Yeah, yeah, “presents” is plural. Whatever.)
The horror wrought by Christmas presents spans all the way back to prehistoric times, when the world was hand drawn by underpaid animators. Some pasty-looking princess, whose name currently escapes me, was given an apple in her Christmas stocking by her wicked stepmother, allegedly upset over the political scandal that would erupt if it were revealed that her royal stepdaughter had been living in a hovel with seven filthy miners who had adjectives instead of names (except for the sole educated miner who had received his doctorate, though probably from DeVry or the University of Phoenix). As recalled in the 1937 documentary “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”, the apple contained roofies (Forget-Me-Nows, if you speak Arrested Development), which allowed some shady prince to waltz up and kiss the unconscious total stranger, possibly with tongue. (Fun Trivia: this scene inspired the hit spin-off series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!) The historical record unfortunately ends there, as someone taped over the last 10 minutes of my copy with part of an SNL rerun, though in the interests of full disclosure there was one good sketch featuring Toonces the Driving Cat. Digressions aside (especially the pointless one inside these parentheses), this laced apple set the precedent that Christmas presents are Bad Things.
The next recorded instance of Christmas presents occurred during the “transition” years, in which calendar makers decided that instead of buying the extra font set containing the minus symbol (Courier New, which contained other useful symbols missing from Courier Old, like spaces), they would arbitrarily begin counting up again after the year 0. To avoid confusion, they began tacking on “A.D” at the end, which stood for “After Running Out of Numbers” Anyway, Nat King Cole, King Kong, and Jackie Chan (collectively known as the “Three Kings of Orient”, even though only the latter was Asian, and only the former two were kings), were hanging around Chan’s basement playing foosball when they heard on C-SPAN that Jesus had decided to be born. They immediately ventured forth and used their Macy’s gift cards to buy some presents for the baby: gold, Frankenstein, and myrrh (pronounced like *mer*maid due to the similarity in taste), unaware of the great irony posed by buying lavishly expensive gifts for someone who would later preach against the evils of materialism— not to mention the fact that Frankenstein is potentially hazardous to infants. To add insult to injury, their protegé, the Little Drummer Boy (Drummy B.), who had blown all of his allowance on Bazooka Joes and had none left to buy a present, thought it would be a positively swell idea to give the gift of Ear-Piercing Racket and surprise the sleeping baby Jesus by banging incessantly on some drum he stole from the middle school band room (Bethlehem Middle School, BMS. Go Romans!) It’s a good thing for him that Jesus was into forgiveness; I would’ve throttled the noisy drum-wielding brat when I got older.
Then, on Christmas Day during the sweltering summer of 1914, a young Lee Harvey Oswald received World Peace from Santa, but used the gift receipt to return it in exchange for an Official Red Rider Carbine Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. He then accidentally shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s eye out, thereby igniting World War I.
Under this light, it is not difficult to see why Christmas presents deserve their rightful place in infamy. This has nothing to do with the fact that it’s 7:30 am on December 24th and I still have yet to finish (read: start) my Christmas shopping. Two years ago I unilaterally declared it to be a “7-11 Christmas” and bought everyone corn dogs, slurpees, and taquitos, which come pre-wrapped in festive 7-11 baggies. My relatives gave me a good long talk about “ruining the spirit of Christmas” and something about “blah blah blah, are you even paying attention, blah blah blah” but seemed most concerned about food poisoning due to “dangerously-aged fast food products containing meat”, though I imagine they were just jealous that *they* didn’t get all *their* Christmas shopping done three weeks early.
To those Ninjas who celebrate Christmas: as Ninjas Against Bad Things, protectors of all things Not Bad, please ensure to perform your Ninjaly duty Christmas morning by viciously unwrapping the living hell out of any and all Christmas presents addressed to you. If you are seated next to a small child, please tear open your presents first before providing assistance.
To those Ninjas who do not celebrate Christmas: consider yourselves lucky. Unfortunately, if you happen to be one of the many people who have a birthday, you may yet have birthday presents to deal with, which are also Bad Things, unless, I suppose, you get something really sweet like a jetpack, or a breadmaker.
This has been the Ninjas Against Bad Things Weekly Update of the Whenever the Hell I Feel Like It.™®© Have a happy Non-Denominational Generic Winter Holiday Season!
-Aaron
P.S.: Please do not share this rant with the pope. My apartment has already been red-tagged by the Los Angeles Metropolitan Housing Board for writing dumb posts within the premises, and I think I’m required to move out if he seconds the condemnation.
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